Weird question, isn\u2019t it? It\u2019s harder to tell than you would think!<\/p>\n
Let me share what my husband and I have learned the hard way with a child with autism. These lessons apply to any child who’s on the spectrum or who has a related disability, such as nonverbal learning disorder or PPD-NOS. Hardly ever is a child with autism or related disability being deliberately disobedient. They\u2019re literal and they LOVE rules. (In fact, they usually consider themselves the rule police and tell on everyone who\u2019s not following the rules.) Most of time the problem is that we as parents misunderstand what is actually going on.<\/p>\n
Here some steps to follow to discern if your child is actually being disobedient. (I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll discover more steps that apply to your family.)<\/p>\n
1)\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Are you asking them to do something or telling them to do something? Stop and think a moment. Are you saying:<\/p>\n Would you mind sweeping the floor? Of course, they\u2019d mind. Any child would! (And most adults!) They\u2019re involved in what they are doing or simply have no desire to help. (It\u2019s human nature, and even more so with autism, ADD, and the like to prefer to do their favorite activity over helping you with a chore or such. Chores are\u2026 umm\u2026 chores, not \u201cfuns.\u201d)<\/p>\n The child is simply truthfully answering the question you are asking. They are not disobeying; they are being literal. You aren\u2019t telling them to do something; you\u2019re asking them if they\u2019d \u201cmind\u201d doing it or \u201ccare\u201d to do it. A totally different kettle of fish. And frankly, yes, they\u2019d mind. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n So as a neurotypical or politely trained adult, you assume that they understand your question is actually a politely-worded command and are disobeying you. That makes you frustrated and convinced they\u2019re being disobedient and rebellious. That\u2019s not the case in these situations.<\/p>\n Such polite questions and hints don\u2019t work with autism, ASD, PDD-NOS, and many other developmental disorders. You have to change how you would normally use a polite request and give a direct command, even though it goes against all our training in politeness. (I can\u2019t tell you how many times I had to \u201ccorrect\u201d myself and say \u201cMommy didn\u2019t mean that as a question. I\u2019m politely telling you to do that.\u201d And then had to rephrase my polite request into a command, which was obediently followed.)<\/p>\n So, instead of the traditional requests above, use a polite command:<\/p>\n Please sweep the floor. 2)\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Did they do something you just told them not to? For example, telling a child not to take a cookie is not telling them not to take two cookies. (Tell them not to take any cookies.) Telling a child not to try to catch a friend jumping off the diving board is not telling them not to have their friend jump off the diving board at all. (Explain that their friend cannot swim and doesn\u2019t belong in the deep end and it is not safe to allow them to jump off the diving board at all. Don\u2019t ask me how I know this one! Oh, wait\u2026)<\/p>\n 3)\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Is your child actually trying to obey more than one rule at a time and stymied? I once had to rescue my daughter who had been standing in one place, dripping wet from the pool, for half an hour because her swim coach had made rules that were currently conflicting. The rules were that swimmers couldn\u2019t go into the hallway if they were wet and they weren\u2019t allowed to touch other people\u2019s things. Someone had set their bag in front of my daughter\u2019s locker, so she couldn\u2019t get to her towel or clothes. Hence, she was frozen in place until I came and got her, moving the other person\u2019s bag, and getting her towel and clothes for her. I truly believe she would have stood there frozen for hours if I had not gone in and seen what happened. Her brain simply locked down, unable to come up with a way around the two rules.<\/p>\n 4) Do you need to give time for a transition? For instance, you want your child to stop playing with their toys and help with the dishes. Announce something like:<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, you need to do the dishes. You have 10 more minutes to play and then you have to do the dishes. I\u2019m setting a timer; when it goes off, your 10 minutes are up and it\u2019s time to do dishes.\u201d (As your child gets older, they can set the timer themselves.)<\/p>\n Using the timer gives your child time to make the transition from one task to another. It allows them the time to finish or come to a stopping place, without an abrupt change. That short time to transition from one task to another can make a huge difference in your child becoming distraught and being able to change to the new task without emotional upset. And the more you practice this, the easier your child will transition.<\/p>\n 5) Did you ask them to do something and they had a meltdown? Usually these kids melt down for a reason and in my daughter\u2019s entire life with a LOT of meltdowns, I don\u2019t believe she ever had one that was a pure \u201ctemper tantrum.\u201d<\/p>\n Some possible reasons for a meltdown\u2026<\/p>\n Plans change.<\/strong> Try to make outings conditional. For instance, we\u2019re going to try to make it to the museum today, but we can only do that if everything works out. Etc., etc. Doesn\u2019t always work, but often if things are conditional, you can at least remind them of that when things don\u2019t work out and it can help calm the situation.<\/p>\n And this means plans about anything. Going to the store, what you\u2019re going to have for dinner\u2026 what colors their crayons will be… anything\u2026 take my word for it. \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n You made a promise and didn\u2019t keep it.<\/strong> There\u2019s a rule in our house: \u201cNever make promises about future events.\u201d We always\u00a0 say \u201cWe\u2019ll try to go.\u201d \u201cWe\u2019ll try to get this fixed, etc.\u201d We never make promises about anything. Frankly, an autistic child will remember every broken promise for the rest of their lives, I swear. Don\u2019t go there. Make a practice of not promising things. (We also do our best to NEVER lie. Autistic kids won’t forgive you for that one, either.)<\/p>\n They heard something that\u2019s scary and you just asked them to do something related to it.<\/strong> One day my daughter was refusing to allow her dog to touch her. She literally went into a screaming, hysterical fit and wouldn\u2019t calm down or touch her dog. It turns out her teacher decided to talk about how bad germs were and explain how their pets, including dogs, were covered with these nasty germs, thereby convincing my daughter \u2013 who\u2019d had a dog most of her life \u2013 that her touching the dog or the dog touching her would kill her. Yeah\u2026 It was fun talking our way through that one and getting said child calmed down. (Thanks, teacher, your OCD just cost us several hours of stress!)<\/p>\n There\u2019s something else going on that has them on edge and you just tipped them over it. They have food allergies that break their brain.<\/strong> Many children with developmental disorder react to foods. No one knows for sure why. There are theories about proteins and sugar alcohols crossing the blood-brain barrier, etc. But I do know multiple children like my own who benefit from a \u201cclean\u201d unprocessed diet.<\/p>\n And when something as \u201csimple\u201d (okay, it\u2019s not simple and at times it’s painful) as cleaning up their diet makes them go from constant raging anger to pleasant and cooperative \u2013 well\u2026 it\u2019s worth trying. And we\u2019ve found in our family, it\u2019s well<\/em> worth the bother. Not to mention that it\u2019s healthier for everyone in the family.<\/p>\n (Also read: In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan. I\u2019m being bossy, aren\u2019t I? But I think these books should be required reading for all parents who have children whose brain is wired differently. What we put into our children makes such a difference in what comes out of their brains and mouths!)<\/p>\n 6) Did you ask them to do too many things at once? Watch the movie Up and note every time a dog says \u201cSquirrel!\u201d It\u2019s a good image for visualizing and remembering your child\u2019s difficulties with distraction!<\/p>\n Try to give one task at a time or write out the tasks in a list on an index card or whiteboard if the child is old enough to read.\u00a0 Follow up and help them cross off the tasks as they do them. It\u2019s much better to compensate for this difficulty than get frustrated when they don\u2019t follow instructions.<\/p>\n They aren\u2019t being disobedient; they just can\u2019t understand that many instructions in a row or hold that many items in their working memory and get them completed. I would have to say my daughter\u2019s usual success with following instructions given three at a time would be two items not done at all (forgotten) and one item done incorrectly (confused by the long oral list).<\/p>\n Written lists or tasks assigned one at a time can save your sanity!<\/p>\n 7) Did you ask them something they\u2019re not capable of doing yet? This was much easier when my daughter was young and didn\u2019t look her age. It became much harder when she hit adolescence and suddenly looked older. But reminding each other has really helped.\u00a0 Our daughter might have be giggling madly at children\u2019s cartoons\u2026 Or insisting there were monsters in her closet… Or knocking over her water glass multiple times during a meal (tippy cups and cup lids are your friend!)\u2026 Or she might have been freaking out over the idea of going to an activity by herself\u2026. Or sharing her favorite toys with a friend who\u2019s visiting\u2026 Or to falling asleep without being rocked or sung to\u2026<\/p>\n It can be a great relief to be able to trade looks with your spouse and say, \u201cshe\u2019s only six\u201d or \u201cshe\u2019s only ten.\u201d At 20 chronological years of age, our daughter\u2019s developmental age is now around 13.\u00a0 (Intellectually, she\u2019s older, we realize, but that doesn\u2019t have as much impact on her behavior as the current developmental age.)<\/p>\n Knowing that fact helps us accept that it\u2019s still necessary to coach her in life skills, remind her of things she ought to be doing, help her organize her college homework on a large re-writable wall calendar, etc. We ask ourselves, \u201cwould we expect a 13-year-old to be able to succeed at college with no oversight or accountability?\u201d And we have to answer, \u201cno.\u201d (We hope to remove ourselves from the mentor role after a year or two of college, but we won\u2019t know until we get there. We\u2019re also blessed that the college provides mentors that shoulder part of the load.)<\/p>\n These rules are usually caused by sensory problems, OCD, or perseveration. Sometimes these things are very evident and we as parents are pretty savvy about allowing for them. And I’m talking about the rules that you can see your child is not choosing voluntarily. Sitting on your bed crying for half an hour because you can’t get your socks to stop hurting your toes isn’t something a child does voluntarily. (If you have this particular problem and haven’t figured out a fix, try seamless socks or turning them inside out. That works for lots of kids. If certain pants “hurt,” try pants with elastic waistbands, etc.)<\/p>\n If your child has to have their toys lined up in descending order of size or has other similar “rules,” most of the time we as parents need to go along with it. If your child is not overwhelmed by other problems, sometimes we can gently redirect obsessions to more appropriate areas, but only sometimes.<\/p>\n It might seem silly to us as grownups, but these kids are not choosing to be governed by these rules. It’s not voluntary. Often you just have to know that your child’s idiosyncrasies and deal with them until they hopefully outgrow them. In addition to not fighting against our daughter’s “rules,” we’ve had her in behavioral therapy since she was very small. Sometimes our family was able or she and the counselor were able to work through a behavior and change it, sometimes not.<\/p>\n Conclusion: If you believe your child is being disobedient, change your thinking.<\/strong> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Weird question, isn\u2019t it? It\u2019s harder to tell than you would think! Let me share what my husband and I have learned the hard way with a child with autism. 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\n<\/strong>In English, it is not polite to order people around directly. So we are taught as children to \u201cask politely.\u201d Think about how you are \u201ctelling\u201d your child to do things that you think they are refusing to do. Are you asking politely or commanding politely? There\u2019s a huge difference.<\/p>\n
\nWould you grab that can for me?
\nWould you mind picking that up?
\nCan you help for me a second?
\nDo you mind waiting for a minute?<\/p>\n
\nPlease grab that can for me.
\nPlease pick that up.
\nPlease help me for a second.
\nPlease wait a minute.<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>Stop a moment and consider: Did they REALLY just do what you told them not to? Children with autism can\u2019t think abstractly as neurotypical children can until they\u2019re much older, if at all. So ask yourself, did they just do something that was just a bit different than what you said? Is it off by even one degree? If so, it\u2019s probably the lack of abstract thinking that just bit you, not true disobedience.<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>Make sure you haven\u2019t set rules that collide in unexpected ways with another or ask the child to do something you\u2019ve forbidden previously without supplying data and specifically changing the rule.<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>With children with ADHD, ADD, autism spectrum disorders, PDD-NOS, etc., it\u2019s very difficult for them to change focus quickly and\/or leave their current project. A lot of difficulties can be avoided with the use of timers.<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>Is your child misunderstanding what is going on or reacting to something someone told them? Sometimes you really have to be a detective and ask a LOT of questions to figure out what is wrong.<\/p>\n
\nYou told them you were going to do something, but life interfered. They melt down over the change. (Autistic children HATE change and unmet expectations.)<\/p>\n
\nLife happens. Everyone gets it. Except kids with autism and related disorders.<\/p>\n
\nIt could be on TV, a cartoon, or something a friend or teacher said\u2026<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>Things like fluorescent lights blinking or whining, the sun in their eyes, the neighbor running a skill saw, a new soap brand, the perfume someone wore into your house, or the texture of what they\u2019re eating is wrong. Sherlock Holmes has nothing on parents trying to track down environmental triggers.<\/p>\n
\nReally. I\u2019m not kidding. Some children, mine included, react strongly to food additives and allergies: dyes (red is NOT your friend! Neither is yellow or any color with any of the two in it), MSG, preservatives, nitrates, sulfites, salicylates, etc., not to mention medicines. If something like that is causing them to act rowdy, misbehave, and generally be mouthy, rude, and eerily similar to a rebellious teenager, it really helps to clean up their diet. Read Is This Your Child<\/em> by Doris Rapp and look up some of the food lists on the internet.<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>Many children on the spectrum have auditory processing problems, executive functioning problems, frontal lobe deficits, etc., that cause them to have problems remembering multiple tasks and organizing their behavior enough to complete the tasks, plus impulse control problems that cause them to be easily distracted by anything.<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>One of our doctors told us many years ago that our daughter\u2019s developmental age would always be about two-thirds of her chronological age. She warned us to expect our daughter\u2019s behavior to be age-appropriate for her developmental age, not chronological age.\u00a0 Remembering this and reminding each other of it has helped my husband and I deal with many situations.<\/p>\n\n
\nMany times children on the spectrum or with related disorders have “rules” or routines of their own. Certain foods they can’t eat, things they won’t touch, things they can’t do without, items that have to be laid out in a certain order, etc. This could be eating only certain textures of foods, wearing a certain brand of pants due to how they fit, or using only one brand of soap.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
\nAssume your child is not trying to be disobedient, analyze the situation, and work through everything that is going on until you discover the truth. Be Sherlock Holmes! \ud83d\ude42 You’ll be glad you took the time when you discover the 99.9999% probability that your child was not being disobedient; their brain just doesn’t work like yours!<\/p>\n